but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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