theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
