I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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