Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
