Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
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