i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
