Since when is my name a synonym for head?
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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