No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Randomize
