it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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