I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
im six kinds of drunk right now
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
