Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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