Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
