Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Randomize
