Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
