You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize