You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
