I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
and you said cock pushups were impossible
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
