I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
