guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
i want to swaddle you in tequila
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Randomize
