I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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