i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
