i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
