Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
