if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Randomize
