Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
