i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Randomize
