So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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