dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
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