My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
