On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
