Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
