I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Randomize
