Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Randomize
