that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Randomize
