i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Randomize
