We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
As shirtless as possible
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize