3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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