Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
