You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
