walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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