At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
