his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
