did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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