never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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