I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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