Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Randomize
