I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize