A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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