I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
