Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
