I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
