so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize