If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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