please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
